HamHam Memorial

Because I might forget, not about him, but the feelings that I have now for him. Two weeks is not exactly long, but in this sense, not short either. This was how long we had him. How long he stepped into our lives and walked out...

I always thought money was everything. The saying that I rather cry in a Porche than on a broken bicycle. Now no matter how much money, time, feelings, effort I have or give, I can never get my little guy back. I used to think I was heartless, or numb towards animals or people or maybe just that one person. My colleague knocked some sense into me: Having a pet at home, and being the one to take care of it is two different things. I can't imagine now if he were to leave later. He was not my first hamster but definitely the first pet I genuinely took care of ever since I'm at a capable age.

We researched and were so fond of the idea. Getting a hamster, nocturnal, would be perfect for us since we needed to work in the day. I shut my eyes and mind from the fact that they live for only about 2years. 2 years, the time that I didn't even have. We got him in a store, August 20th 2015, so ready to take care of him and hope he'd live a wonderful life with us. But I was selfish... In the end, all I ever thought about was myself... The first few days I urged myself and my partner to let him be, to let him explore his new home. But we ended up disturbing him everyday by adding new toys for the first few days and finally letting him run around outside the cage in a transparent exercise ball. It was like a fire had suddenly lit up in our hearts and I was warmed just watching him running around on his wheel or climbing around the cage. He felt so dear.

The following Monday morning, my partner took him home, to his home, because I was never too free to do anything or have any time to myself with work, events, friends, and him. They would make great companions, I thought. But the following night, while I was preparing my costume for an upcoming event on that weekend, he called me all of a sudden. He said: His eye is gone... I was shocked: What do you mean his eye is gone?? He was fumbling around for words: I can't see his eye. But there's no blood, but I can't be too sure. I told him to take a picture and hung up. I tried searching for possible causes and vets opened 24hours. I speculated the sticky-eye and prayed that to be the worse and that my little boy was alright. He called the association for small animals and they too advised to bring him to a vet. I made a booking online and we both took emergency leaves the next day.

The vet called in the morning to confirm the appointment and we were well on our way when my partner came over with my little boy. I checked online for the reviews on the veterinarian just to make sure he knew how to treat small animals and that he was reputable unlike some vet who just simply treat animals like humans and push them around. I had some confidence in this doctor prior to the reviews. The doctor was a little late, about 15minutes from appointed time, we arrived a few minutes earlier than that. After he was ready, he called us in and I put my little boy on the examination table. I'm not sure I liked the way he handled my baby but I assumed he knew better when he said my baby was more that 4weeks old when I reported his estimated age. Nonetheless, he removed the pus from HamHam's eye, albeit a little rough, and applied some ointment on his eye and then the other, saying it might catch the infection. He then gave us the ointment and my little boy back and said there was nothing to worry about and that it was quite normal (I DID read that it really was). I asked if there was anything we should pay attention to, like his diet, his bedding or anything else. He said we didn't have to do anything special. And that was it. We paid the fees and left. End of story. How I hoped we lived happily ever after that. Before I left the consultation room, I vaguely heard the doctor telling his nurse to record it down as conjunctivitis. I trust this ointment would be the cure for this.

After putting me home, I urged my boyfriend to take HamHam home so he could have a good rest. He was probably up till late night as well since we couldn't very well sleep knowing that our baby wasn't exactly feeling well. And then I curse my cowardice to not actually call up the doctor and ask how many times or when do we stop applying that ointment. The next day, my boyfriend reported that he applied the ointment (doctor said twice a day, once in the morning, once at night) before he left for work and did so the night before. But soon after he applied it, HamHam went straight to sleep and did nothing for the rest of the time except waking up for food. The following day did not go so well as HamHam struggled and tried to run away at the sight of the ointment. We gave him treats at each successful application. On Thursday, he brought HamHam over to my place for us to stay together for the weekend. We ended up staying out until the next morning as I had some things for the upcoming event to take care of. We changed the food and water before we left and did not apply the ointment as it seemed the swelling went down and I didn't want to hurt him.

We would bring him out to play and exercise at night because it seemed as though he was sleeping too much. We were afraid he would be diabetic or obese with the eat/sleep routine. But when I carried him, he felt a little all too thin, and my heart broke a little. I decided to brush it off when I saw him running around actively. Friday night, I tried to apply the ointment again but he would not come out after urging him for so long, so I decided to leave him for the night. We would play with him for a little while over the weekend after my event, at night. Everything seemed so well. We did turn on the air-conditioning for a few hours here and there when it got too hot in the room. I should have been more careful at this point...

On Saturday and Sunday we played with him a little longer than usual, my friend was with us for both nights. But on Sunday night, we felt he was acting bit funny. He would stop suddenly and stare at nothing until we urged him again. Time to time it happened. And when we decided it was time for him to rest, my mother suddenly came into the room, so I guess we could keep him out a little longer. He was running around on my bed when my mom suddenly start patting the bed heavily. Needless to say, I was shocked. HamHam froze in his spot and my mother said: this is how you train pets. Then she started patting the bed again (Asian parents, the cane is the way to teach). My little boy seemed so afraid and I read somewhere that hamsters get stressed out very easily. I scooped him up, urged my mother out of the room and decided for him to call the night. But before putting him back into the cage, I tried putting some ointment on his eyes again. Since he was afraid of the tube, I put the ointment on my finger (I washed my hand, I saw the doctor smudging it on with his finger before so I thought it'd be okay) and applied it on his infected eye. His other eye seemed red too, but he was struggling a lot so I let him go. After putting him back into the cage, my brother suddenly came home. And since it was the first time in forever I've seen him, I quickly scooped HamHam up to introduce our new family member to my brother. But HamHam did not move around much this time. I assumed he was too sleepy, so after my brother stroked him twice, we put him back into the cage and went about with our business...

HamHam went back to sleep in the corner. Midnight, my friend and I went out to buy midnight snacks, leaving my boyfriend in the room. When we came back, we saw that HamHam has crawled to the front of the cage and we assumed he fell asleep there so we did not disturb him. The next day was a public holiday. When I woke up, I went over his cage to watch him. He was still at the same place as last night, which was odd as he was prone to move around during night. I watched a little longer and I started to get scared. His little body was not moving....... It didn't seem like he was breathing.... I opened the cage and lightly stroke him.... Normally, a light touch would jolt him awake, but he wasn't moving. I wanted to cry. At this point my boyfriend woke up and joined me. We gently called out his name but he wouldn't wake up. When my boyfriend tried to pick him up, that was it. Zero response. His eyes were closed tight and his body not moving. I grabbed my phone and searched every possibility of the cause. The ointment, the bedding, sudden deaths! I had nothing! This was definitely not old age, my baby was barely 2 months old! I prayed that he was in hibernation until I checked his nails. I sat there watching him. I didn't know what to think. So many thoughts raced through my head, I wanted to know the cause, I wanted to blame someone, I wanted to do something but all I did was sit there and cry. I could have paid more attention to his stress levels. I should have gotten him paper based bedding. I should have gotten him a small house for him to hide and rest properly. I shouldn't have forced him. I shouldn't have let my mother scare him. I shouldn't have played with him too much. I shouldn't have showed him to my brother when he was too weak to move. I shouldn't have applied that stupid ointment when he rejected it so much. I should have know better. I should have paid more attention to what he wanted to do... I cried watching him. We were to give him a proper burial in the evening. I wanted to believe in a miracle.

I brought my boyfriend to the doctors as he injured himself a few days back but it worsened this day. I prayed that when we came back, it was all just a bad dream. We came back into the room, I wanted to believe my baby was just in hibernation. I closed in to check for any signs of life. But the closer I look, the more I couldn't take it... His body was darkening, there was no slow breathing, the roots of his nails turning black and he started to smell. I wanted to hold him in my arms and pray time will stop there so I never have to lose him. Ever. But reality is never nice... I prepared a box and put in the futon and pillow I made for him while my boyfriend placed him inside. I closed the box and held on tightly. We drove to a nearby park and started digging a hole for him. I put the box into the ground and we buried him there. It was getting dark. We went home.

I started cleaning out his cage, toys and everything. But the more I cleaned, the more I'm reminded of him and the grimmer I felt. We took a nap together before I started thinking too much again. I dreamt of my baby boy for that short little while. What, I cannot remember... but I was fond of it. When I woke up, I sat in front of the place that was once his cage and felt peace. We would go out to get some air, the day seemed to pass a little too fast for me to accept anything. But when my boyfriend left to shower, leaving me alone in that room, my tears burst out when I picked up his newly washed toys and cage and stated putting them away. Every little bit of those reminded me so much of my little boy. I've never felt this painful in a very long time... I sucked it up when there were people around. But today I realize, when there was no one, I just miss my little boy so much. My little angel did not deserve any of this! He did nothing wrong and was the best little chap around.

If given the chance, I would do anything, or everything more. Just to go back. Just to get my little boy back. I miss you... I miss you so much... I hope heaven is treating you well. I'm sorry that I let you suffer under my care. If there is anything, anything at all that I can do to make it up to you. Anything for you to come back. I'm so sorry HamHam... I love you.