Pursuing the Cliched - Happiness

Again, just another self-reminder. I used to think, why do people like to think they're depressed, or more like, announce to the world that they are depressed. Is it cool? Does this give you attention? I guess at this point it isn't even about good or bad attention as long as it's just attention. No, I'm not talking about people who were clinically diagnosed as depressed and had to sit through therapy and take medication just to get a good night's sleep. I'm talking about those who announce that they are depressed, and have low self-esteemed, followed by a selfie saying how ugly they are and how crappy they feel that no one loves them because they are depressed while..... posting selfies everyday. As a kid, I couldn't help judging these people. Naturally when people tell me that they are depressed, I'd just roll my eyes unless they were clinically proven because high school was filled with people like this. Some would even self-harm for fun and got their friends to try it with them and when people who were generally concerned show up and try to help, they'd say no, they were just doing it for fun and were mentally fine. I seriously didn't brain.

You could say I was quite the kepoh type. I loved counselling sessions, I love helping people (though recently I've learnt that they way I 'help' people is by putting my right and wrong labels on their behaviour/problems/actions, you name it), which was why I took up counselling. However my dreams of becoming a counsellor went so far as getting a Diploma because I couldn't get into the University I wanted that didn't provide public financial aid, and required great merits to get a scholarship. I never worked well with people and after group assignments started, everything was downhill until I just gave up on the idea and got a job. My note to self was that at least I tried it out.

Out in society, I started out pretty low in the food chain, with less to no motivation and much less the love for life. But in all honesty I wasn't really bothered. But due to unexpected opportunities and a turn of events, I started moving out of my comfort zone. Trying new things, getting used to not knowing shit. Getting used to being inferior but at the same time be humble and confident about myself. My life took a turn in a better direction and I started to like what I see and what I am becoming.

Up until last year... Now a little hint-wise, I'm not very close to my family. I love them, but they are damn fucked up in their own ways. I have always stayed out their path because I am the 'one-who-will-be-married-off-so-no-point-investing-on' type of existence. The whole family, except me, were into the same business, except me (emphasize). Because no matter how good the profit, I'd rather walk another path, than walk the same as them. So I was financially independent, thought still living under the same roof, but I do pay rent. While my sibling pays shit, and he makes 5 times my salary, but I'm not even complaining anymore XD So you'd imagine, I'd be free and quite privileged in a sense. And yes, I was. Life was great, even without a goal, it was still nice. Up until shit hits the ceiling. Our Their monetary problems seem to rise one after the other. And the first solution was to sell off my car. Partially mine when my sibling decided that he was too good for a 1.3 car (installments and downpayment all paid by his parents) and when I took over I was expected to pay for the remaining installments, which I did, because it was my responsibiliy, as told by Queen Bee. So great, this is like paying back for the first half of the car so yea, sell mine, whatever. To be frank, I really didn't mind. As long as now it feels like I'm owing them less, I'm down with it. So I got a new car and started to pay it fully mine from start to finish. I was getting more and more independent.... At least I thought I was.

However, the financial problems didn't stop there. More and more appeared and suddenly people were begging me for help and if I don't I'd be the one in trouble with the loan sharks because they know where we live and I'm easier to catch. Figures. The series of events unfolded into one of us running away to another country, one of us trying to move out since her treasure is no longer in the country and doesn't need the huge ass expensive rented house solely rented for her treasure and one to us having a medical problem and needed surgery, stat. It was like drama. Only I'm not sure why do I have to help pay back for other people's loan with my savings and have my salary criticized as measly and useless by bankrupted family members and quit my job to help them open a new shop and work without salary and live off bread for the sake of their millionaire dreams where they gambled off the poker tables. I was at a very low point of my life where I felt used and very very disappointed. I had no ways of paying the house rent, shop rent (company transferred to my name and so did all commitments because I'm the only one in the family not blacklisted), having the bank call my office to chase for a loan someone else loaned under my name in the name of family and I had to be the one to pay back. Having no say in everything they were doing wrong, but responsible in helping them clean up shit and let them use my name to borrow money from people I don't even know. If I was not mentally scarred growing up with these people, I am now. I hated this line to be honest, I had no fucking interest in this but I still did it. For the sake of family. My insomniac nights became worst, I didn't have an appetite and my weight dropped drastically from a 45 to a 38. To the point that I started crying randomly at work everyday, to barely controllable road rage. If it weren't for my boyfriend keeping me in-check, I wouldn't be eating or have a sense of reality at all. It was too much. I had to give up my life, my financial stability, my name, my time and my future plans all for the people whose problems got out of hand. While I got nothing in return and even worse, responsibilities that were not mine to begin with. You'd say it is for family. Standing on the sidelines, I'd too, say it's for family. But there was a lot more going on with one of them being hospitalized, one having constant emotional breakdowns and one just not growing up and constantly feeling sorry for himself and blaming other people for his downfall instead to taking responsibility.

There were nights when left alone when my partner was away for business, I would suddenly breakdown and have constant thought of suicide. My chest would hurt so much it felt hard to breathe and the only thing keeping me alive was the fear of pain to get to salvation. Yes, I was a coward. I was getting worse, and non of the things I used to enjoy entertained me anymore. I couldn't work without throwing a fit. I couldn't say a proper sentence without yelling and I felt myself getting out of hand. And then, I met a friend. (My 'bestfriends' gave me another hard time in another way, and one even said my problem isn't as serious as I make it sound so I made a point to shut it and just keep it to myself. Until this friend, who tells me that he too has been through a lot. But the most beautiful thing this once stranger could do, was not judge me. So before I did something I would regret, I asked for help. He introduced a person who could help me, and I wish I could have met them earlier.

I guess I just needed recognition. It made my plan to runaway from all this less guilty. Because he told me, that it wasn't my fault. I did not wish for this but why am I still a part of this? It really didn't matter if bystanders called me an ungrateful child. It really doesn't matter if the whole family ends up living under the bridge. I did what I can to help, but they abused it, and took what I was capable of to cover their mistakes instead of learning from them. I did not have to live for them. I did not have to underestimate them. Because with or without me, it would still be hell in there. So it was okay for me to climb out. It was okay for me to go back to the way I was. I can live for myself. I was not wrong. But for once in a very long time, I felt me shoulders relax. That night I slept like a baby, and the next morning I don't feel as exhausted as I was before. I felt calm. I felt my head clear up and was able to look forward to things. Swallowing wasn't difficult anymore, although I still needed to work on taking more than one meal a day. It was just less than a week, but I hadn't had a fit or a negative feeling. All was well. What's more, is that I could start seeing my future. To me, that was what happiness looked like. After years of feeling sorry for myself, feeling worthless, blaming my past, I'm looking at myself now. It was that simple. Happiness was living for yourself, regardless of others. I know the theory. I just didn't understand it. At least now without having a stranger say it to my face.

Now I'm better. I'm going to live for myself, and not give a shit be it family or friends because honestly no matter how much you do, people may not appreciate you because that's what you've been doing all along. Don't let yourself be taken granted for. People like that, we are better off without. So here's to my recovering self, and here's to a step forward in self-awareness :)

HamHam Memorial

Because I might forget, not about him, but the feelings that I have now for him. Two weeks is not exactly long, but in this sense, not short either. This was how long we had him. How long he stepped into our lives and walked out...

I always thought money was everything. The saying that I rather cry in a Porche than on a broken bicycle. Now no matter how much money, time, feelings, effort I have or give, I can never get my little guy back. I used to think I was heartless, or numb towards animals or people or maybe just that one person. My colleague knocked some sense into me: Having a pet at home, and being the one to take care of it is two different things. I can't imagine now if he were to leave later. He was not my first hamster but definitely the first pet I genuinely took care of ever since I'm at a capable age.

We researched and were so fond of the idea. Getting a hamster, nocturnal, would be perfect for us since we needed to work in the day. I shut my eyes and mind from the fact that they live for only about 2years. 2 years, the time that I didn't even have. We got him in a store, August 20th 2015, so ready to take care of him and hope he'd live a wonderful life with us. But I was selfish... In the end, all I ever thought about was myself... The first few days I urged myself and my partner to let him be, to let him explore his new home. But we ended up disturbing him everyday by adding new toys for the first few days and finally letting him run around outside the cage in a transparent exercise ball. It was like a fire had suddenly lit up in our hearts and I was warmed just watching him running around on his wheel or climbing around the cage. He felt so dear.

The following Monday morning, my partner took him home, to his home, because I was never too free to do anything or have any time to myself with work, events, friends, and him. They would make great companions, I thought. But the following night, while I was preparing my costume for an upcoming event on that weekend, he called me all of a sudden. He said: His eye is gone... I was shocked: What do you mean his eye is gone?? He was fumbling around for words: I can't see his eye. But there's no blood, but I can't be too sure. I told him to take a picture and hung up. I tried searching for possible causes and vets opened 24hours. I speculated the sticky-eye and prayed that to be the worse and that my little boy was alright. He called the association for small animals and they too advised to bring him to a vet. I made a booking online and we both took emergency leaves the next day.

The vet called in the morning to confirm the appointment and we were well on our way when my partner came over with my little boy. I checked online for the reviews on the veterinarian just to make sure he knew how to treat small animals and that he was reputable unlike some vet who just simply treat animals like humans and push them around. I had some confidence in this doctor prior to the reviews. The doctor was a little late, about 15minutes from appointed time, we arrived a few minutes earlier than that. After he was ready, he called us in and I put my little boy on the examination table. I'm not sure I liked the way he handled my baby but I assumed he knew better when he said my baby was more that 4weeks old when I reported his estimated age. Nonetheless, he removed the pus from HamHam's eye, albeit a little rough, and applied some ointment on his eye and then the other, saying it might catch the infection. He then gave us the ointment and my little boy back and said there was nothing to worry about and that it was quite normal (I DID read that it really was). I asked if there was anything we should pay attention to, like his diet, his bedding or anything else. He said we didn't have to do anything special. And that was it. We paid the fees and left. End of story. How I hoped we lived happily ever after that. Before I left the consultation room, I vaguely heard the doctor telling his nurse to record it down as conjunctivitis. I trust this ointment would be the cure for this.

After putting me home, I urged my boyfriend to take HamHam home so he could have a good rest. He was probably up till late night as well since we couldn't very well sleep knowing that our baby wasn't exactly feeling well. And then I curse my cowardice to not actually call up the doctor and ask how many times or when do we stop applying that ointment. The next day, my boyfriend reported that he applied the ointment (doctor said twice a day, once in the morning, once at night) before he left for work and did so the night before. But soon after he applied it, HamHam went straight to sleep and did nothing for the rest of the time except waking up for food. The following day did not go so well as HamHam struggled and tried to run away at the sight of the ointment. We gave him treats at each successful application. On Thursday, he brought HamHam over to my place for us to stay together for the weekend. We ended up staying out until the next morning as I had some things for the upcoming event to take care of. We changed the food and water before we left and did not apply the ointment as it seemed the swelling went down and I didn't want to hurt him.

We would bring him out to play and exercise at night because it seemed as though he was sleeping too much. We were afraid he would be diabetic or obese with the eat/sleep routine. But when I carried him, he felt a little all too thin, and my heart broke a little. I decided to brush it off when I saw him running around actively. Friday night, I tried to apply the ointment again but he would not come out after urging him for so long, so I decided to leave him for the night. We would play with him for a little while over the weekend after my event, at night. Everything seemed so well. We did turn on the air-conditioning for a few hours here and there when it got too hot in the room. I should have been more careful at this point...

On Saturday and Sunday we played with him a little longer than usual, my friend was with us for both nights. But on Sunday night, we felt he was acting bit funny. He would stop suddenly and stare at nothing until we urged him again. Time to time it happened. And when we decided it was time for him to rest, my mother suddenly came into the room, so I guess we could keep him out a little longer. He was running around on my bed when my mom suddenly start patting the bed heavily. Needless to say, I was shocked. HamHam froze in his spot and my mother said: this is how you train pets. Then she started patting the bed again (Asian parents, the cane is the way to teach). My little boy seemed so afraid and I read somewhere that hamsters get stressed out very easily. I scooped him up, urged my mother out of the room and decided for him to call the night. But before putting him back into the cage, I tried putting some ointment on his eyes again. Since he was afraid of the tube, I put the ointment on my finger (I washed my hand, I saw the doctor smudging it on with his finger before so I thought it'd be okay) and applied it on his infected eye. His other eye seemed red too, but he was struggling a lot so I let him go. After putting him back into the cage, my brother suddenly came home. And since it was the first time in forever I've seen him, I quickly scooped HamHam up to introduce our new family member to my brother. But HamHam did not move around much this time. I assumed he was too sleepy, so after my brother stroked him twice, we put him back into the cage and went about with our business...

HamHam went back to sleep in the corner. Midnight, my friend and I went out to buy midnight snacks, leaving my boyfriend in the room. When we came back, we saw that HamHam has crawled to the front of the cage and we assumed he fell asleep there so we did not disturb him. The next day was a public holiday. When I woke up, I went over his cage to watch him. He was still at the same place as last night, which was odd as he was prone to move around during night. I watched a little longer and I started to get scared. His little body was not moving....... It didn't seem like he was breathing.... I opened the cage and lightly stroke him.... Normally, a light touch would jolt him awake, but he wasn't moving. I wanted to cry. At this point my boyfriend woke up and joined me. We gently called out his name but he wouldn't wake up. When my boyfriend tried to pick him up, that was it. Zero response. His eyes were closed tight and his body not moving. I grabbed my phone and searched every possibility of the cause. The ointment, the bedding, sudden deaths! I had nothing! This was definitely not old age, my baby was barely 2 months old! I prayed that he was in hibernation until I checked his nails. I sat there watching him. I didn't know what to think. So many thoughts raced through my head, I wanted to know the cause, I wanted to blame someone, I wanted to do something but all I did was sit there and cry. I could have paid more attention to his stress levels. I should have gotten him paper based bedding. I should have gotten him a small house for him to hide and rest properly. I shouldn't have forced him. I shouldn't have let my mother scare him. I shouldn't have played with him too much. I shouldn't have showed him to my brother when he was too weak to move. I shouldn't have applied that stupid ointment when he rejected it so much. I should have know better. I should have paid more attention to what he wanted to do... I cried watching him. We were to give him a proper burial in the evening. I wanted to believe in a miracle.

I brought my boyfriend to the doctors as he injured himself a few days back but it worsened this day. I prayed that when we came back, it was all just a bad dream. We came back into the room, I wanted to believe my baby was just in hibernation. I closed in to check for any signs of life. But the closer I look, the more I couldn't take it... His body was darkening, there was no slow breathing, the roots of his nails turning black and he started to smell. I wanted to hold him in my arms and pray time will stop there so I never have to lose him. Ever. But reality is never nice... I prepared a box and put in the futon and pillow I made for him while my boyfriend placed him inside. I closed the box and held on tightly. We drove to a nearby park and started digging a hole for him. I put the box into the ground and we buried him there. It was getting dark. We went home.

I started cleaning out his cage, toys and everything. But the more I cleaned, the more I'm reminded of him and the grimmer I felt. We took a nap together before I started thinking too much again. I dreamt of my baby boy for that short little while. What, I cannot remember... but I was fond of it. When I woke up, I sat in front of the place that was once his cage and felt peace. We would go out to get some air, the day seemed to pass a little too fast for me to accept anything. But when my boyfriend left to shower, leaving me alone in that room, my tears burst out when I picked up his newly washed toys and cage and stated putting them away. Every little bit of those reminded me so much of my little boy. I've never felt this painful in a very long time... I sucked it up when there were people around. But today I realize, when there was no one, I just miss my little boy so much. My little angel did not deserve any of this! He did nothing wrong and was the best little chap around.

If given the chance, I would do anything, or everything more. Just to go back. Just to get my little boy back. I miss you... I miss you so much... I hope heaven is treating you well. I'm sorry that I let you suffer under my care. If there is anything, anything at all that I can do to make it up to you. Anything for you to come back. I'm so sorry HamHam... I love you.

Society says I have a bad temper...

It's been such a long time... I hope I wouldn't have to visit my diary or this site unless necessary (No offence, love this place, seriously!). It's nice to have somewhere I can come back to when I need it the most. Life's been quite busy... With ups and downs and shit and blah blah blah But today I'm here with a purpose. Here to rant.

I'm publicly known to have a bad temper. Now I don't know what people base this on but too many people in my life have said that I have a bad temper. My parents, my friends, my boyfriend, the fortune-telling lady and some customers at work (No, I didn't get angry at them. Said my neck was too thin or something lol). But my friends still hang out with me because I'm a clown most of the time. I do stupid things to make people happy. Laugh all they want, as long as the people I love are happy, I'm happy. But that doesn't seem to be enough. People like to emphasize on my temper... Certain people I guess.

Now, I'd like to ask a few questions though. Is it wrong to have a bad temper? Short temper actually, I would like to correct. Bad, but short. Give me an hour, to forget the feeling, give me a day to forget it completely. So is it my fault? I personally think I have low tolerance for bullshit, and sensitive at that. So does this mean I have to change? I ignore things that do not involve me and not give a shit most of the time. So when someone hits you with bullshit, are you gonna smile and say 'Nah, it's all right.'? I'm not a saint. I'm a normal human with a 9-5 office job, a freelancer that takes part time jobs at night, and a loving girlfriend who gives her man all the attention he needs. I don't have time for this bullshit.

I'll give you and example (I love showing examples!) So I was actually driving Person A (very close, but I leave it Anonymous) to dinner. I didn't exactly have a bad day prior to this but I was very very hungry and we were suppose to have a family dinner (celebration of the Winter Solstice). So I waited from 6 to 8 till finally Person A decided to give up on the idea and we go eat ourselves since the rest weren't going to show up (Our family of four only eat at the same table for about maybe once a year, you can guess how close we are). During the whole trip to dinner, Person A would just nag about everything else in life that I can't really stand. I can talk about it for days, but it would make me go of track. A summarize of how much Person A doesn't like my boyfriend, to how my friend's mom is this and this and that. Imagine that. I live with this for my whole life and honestly I still can't get used to it. Who gets used to people insulting you everyday? (Ok, maybe not everyday, but almost every time). Trust me when I say this person has nothing good to say. You see why my temper is so short.

So Person A nags, and I drive. We were passing by a very busy road but the jammed up place was not the lane leading to my destination. So I switched to a left (away from the main lane) lane to avoid traffic since I needed to turn left. And then there's this idiot in a sports car trying to come over from the right side (it was a petrol station). He was quite forceful but the thing is, there were 2 lanes each in this 2-way road. Prior to that he had to pass by 2 lanes going uphill (I was going down). So why the flying fuck does he need to take four fucking lanes to turn right, I don't know. It ain't a lorry. It ain't a van. It's about the size of a normal Aeroback for God's sake. Before I passed, he was still stuck on the other side. When I was passing, all of a sudden this idiot is about a few metres from running into me. And I'm talking his bonnet and my face. People get frightened, duh. The car in front of me is actually slightly stopped in the middle of the road so I'm stuck there. Still, the idiot tried to accelerate. I honked. Twice. Either he was blind or he was deaf. I'd say both. Because he accelerated. Twice. And I assure you, it was not a manual car. If I don't pass, there is no fucking way he can make his four-lane-turn. So the car in front of me moved over slightly. I can finally pass. As I did, I said (in an angry tone, of course): Would you die if you let me go first? (There's no way he could pass anyway. Both directions are stuck and his car front is facing my car SIDE. It's not even a cross road.

So just as I finished saying that ONE sentence.
Person A says: You have such a bad temper.
Excuse me? EXCUSE ME? 
I said: I was this close to being hit by that car!
Person A: As a person, you can't have such a bad temper.
Me: If you were in my position and a car is about to run into you, I don't think you'd be as calm! (My tone IS and I AM agitated)
Person A: Yea, but you still can't have a bad temper.
DDDDD:???????
Person A: How do your friends tolerate you?
Yea funny... How DO they tolerate me?
Me: Have you ever thought of thinking about WHY I get angry in the first place?
Person A: That's cause you have a bad temper.

//flipsalltables I don't wanna say anything anymore...
Sure, someone comes and cut me and you tell me not to bleed. Nice. Real nice.

This is just one. ONE case. Imagine living with this for all your life. In this kind of family background, you most probably get two kinds of kids. 1 - the type that ignores you completely and is immune to all bullshit and ill mannered people that they just don't give a shit about anything (my brother); and 2 - me, the sensitive short tempered bitch that doesn't take unreasonable shit.

I'm honestly tired of society labelling it as my fault for being short tempered while they're just ignorant. I get angry at the uncultured people of a neighbouring factory who block my way intentionally, honks at me, makes wolf calls and says 'Hey babe, becareful!' whenever I pass by to get to work. Yea, I should be like everyone else. Embrace all this and I'll be a more happy person. Just ignore them. JUST IGNORE THEM. Can you? Can you?? If you're not a girl, you might not understand, so a guy's version's example would be these jackasses verbally harassing your girlfriend, or mom or sister. Tell me you don't get upset. I will applaud you.

Thing is, we meet people like this everyday. Not just people who sexually harasses you. The boss who bad-mouths you whenever she feels unhappy. The neighbour that yells at you for parking in front of their house when their car is parked right in front of yours. The kid in the elevator that keeps screaming and poking other people with their hands covered in saliva and their parents just smile at them. I live in a country where the rapist is not found guilty unless the girl is found to be pregnant. So really, can you blame me? For being angry at these little things? Is it wrong to be upset? There are just so many encounters everyday that makes a person so so very tired of society. And society has the nerves to say I'm bad tempered. Yes, maybe I am. So this justifies the people who are ill-mannered, scum and just basically trash? It's like telling girls to not wear provoking outfits. Why not teach boys to respect and not rape them instead? Don't give me that shit about girls being too revealing nowadays. We get cases of Muslim girls fully covered being raped as well. Society gonna point it back to being the girl's fault? So instead of telling people to not get angry, why not teach people to NOT make other people angry? Unless the kid grew up to be uneducated without knowing what is right or wrong, I feel sorry for the parents that are going to have to deal with the oversized and overage baby when they hit 50.

For me, I feel that the more ignorant I am, the more ill-mannered the people around me become. I can't change them. But at least I can choose who to be around with. People who understand to not make others angry intentionally. Which reminds me of this funny person I once met. He was bent on being a villain. Constantly making my very close-minded friend angry. Telling her to be more open-minded and stepping on her tail saying 'Society is like that! You should get used to it!' haha. We blocked the guy after a few months. My point is, yes, a lot of people are like that (villains themselves with or without knowing it: smart-asses, show-offs, sarcastic people who find pleasure in offending others, keyboard warriors) which makes up THE society, and they're PROUD (for whatever reason). But if it weren't for people like them, intentionally making it hard for other people and using 'it's to build your tolerance and it's for your own good!' as their own selfish excuse, people would be less angry all the time. They wouldn't be so hard to deal with. It's like you could close this 20 million dollar deal but you lost it out just because their finance person is having a bad day BECAUSE the smart-ass barista at her regular coffee shop decided to 'teach her a lesson' about society being crude and generally not nice. Chain reaction. Ouch.

So yeah. I'm a generally open-minded person. I'm from an oriental part of the world and a Chinese family. I grew up with a love for American culture and finding peace with both my individualist and collectivist side. Do I sound ignorant? I'd like to think, no. But enlighten me.

The 'Nice Guy'

Here's something that's been bugging me for a long time (since I don't feel like ranting personally, I'll do it here where no one can see me... maybe), the 'Nice Guy'. 'Friendzones', 'forever alone' and whatever shit that has been going on around the internet and polluting the people around me to say that they're forever alone and shit, yea, that kind. People... STOP ABUSING THE MEMES!

Not to be too confusing, I'll start with a story. There's a guy who has been 'in love' with this girl that he met at a restaurant (I'd say 'saw', because they've never actually talked... at all, but...), chatted on Facebook for a few brief moments (and by brief, I mean the 'hey, what are you doing?' 'hey, nothin, just surfin the net' 'cool' ... the end) then confessed after a few months, only to be shot down. After that, a stream of status posts are seen saying that how he has been friendzoned, or how girls never fall for nice guys. And yes, I am saying this in my defense and I am here to fight for my justice! anonymously... Don't want no drama there, not my cup of tea. I like watching other people's drama, just not my own, but that's beside the point.

Point is, dude, I hardly fucking know you! And I think I can say the same for you too! Going out once (hardly call it a date) to have dinner, watch a movie on your request to watch something YOU like (not a big fan of movies) and going home separately without even the decency to escort me to my car when the mall is closed (extra point, I know this isn't required but that's a big minus in courtship for me, who knows when zombies are gonna pop out and scare the shit outta me? At least I'll have someone with me to spend my zombie days with if he 'lurves~' me so much). There wasn't even a single meaningful conversation the whole way and you expect me to give you points for that? Note: I paid for everything myself so no deal there~

Anyway, I'm not asking you to pay for me, or pull out a red carpet for me to walk on, but you asked for this. It's not like I didn't give you a chance. It's not like I didn't try to start a conversation, you didn't even try! However, if that night was enjoyable for you, it would be nice to let me know, because I for one did not enjoy four hours of my life wasted at all. But thank you for the invitation, there will be no next time =) Bad first impression! Bad!

The confession part came a few months after that when we had nil conversation/meet ups. Nil, nil I tell you, NIL!!! I know you're rich, and shy, and shit. So what? You expect me to fucking go up to you and say 'Hi, let's chat! Lemme think of some topic that will amuse the both of us and let each other think we have good chemistry~'. Nice try. Life doesn't work that way, so I'll have to refuse. And here's the part that pisses me off. The 'nice guy' posts that comes after the rejection. The 'fuck! friendzoned! Shoulda known nice guys never get girls' and 'forever alone'. I seriously facepalmed... This not only happened once... In the span of a year, he confessed a few more times (spanning a few empty months in between because he was 'busy') with hardly any conversation and zero meet ups. This of course, leads to more of these similar fucked up posts =)

Now I know you can do whatever you like on the internet (this is one of it), but publicly defaming someone (some of the post 'supporters' knew the identity of the 'unnamed female')? I have three things to say about these posts. First, I'd like to say 'friendzoned' are for friends. FRIENDS! I don't really consider someone who I hardly know to be thought highly enough of to be considered a friend. Second, you people who don't know the story (shitty process, although there's hardly any) do not have a say in calling me a bitch or someone who doesn't know how to treasure love. Pfft! Love... yea right. Tell that to the guy that pulls my chair for me to sit or drapes his jacket over me without a word when it's freezing outside. Love, pfft. Third, I never knew there existed that many idio-cough people (whom we mutually know) that are equally dumb-as-fuck as this good sir here is. I'm speechless. What with the 'I feel you bro', 'yea, we're forever alone'. Are you fucking kidding me? 'WE' can never be 'forever ALONE'. Are your parents dead? Are all your family members dead? Do you have no friends? If so, I pity you. I seriously pity you, that you can come on Facebook to find this particular guy's post, of all the people in the world (since you have no friends, therefore nothing will come up in your news feed, how the fuck do you know of the existence of this post is beyond me) and say that you are 'forever alone'. I applaud your effort to voice out.

All that I have mentioned above, is just the story of ONE. There are more, but I think one is enough... for now, hah.

Moral of the story is:

FOREVER ALONE: People, if you want to use 'forever alone', please make sure that you have no friends or family, so pitiful that you have no one to talk to or turn to. I'll be here... You have my heartfelt sympathy... It's either your personality sucks really bad, or that you don't even make the effort to get to know anybody at all for whatever reason. Hey, I have really bad personality, but I still have friends, parents too! And a dog (okay, I don't really have a dog, though I'd love to have one) maybe.

FRIENDZONE: Are you friends? How long have you been friends? How much do the both of you know each other? Have you been treating her like the lady of your life, and show the manly side of yours that you can be her man-support? Or have you been trying to get into what she likes and going shopping with her or comfort buddy whenever she's upset, like a 'sister' to her? If you answered yes to the last question, then good luck~ There be plenty'a fish in da sea~ (Pirate lingo fails me *shifty eyes*)

Last but not least... NICE GUY! Seriously, a nice guy, IMO, will never call themselves nice guys. They will suck it up like a gentleman and move on or try again. Now that there, is a real nice guy! Not the little bitch that shrieks and says 'Fuck you, what do you know about being a nice guy, we have feelings too!' We call that a little bitch, not a nice guy~

Lost on the Highway...

Had two parcels of mine stuck in the post office. Though I remember both parties stated that it would be sent by poslaju, but one of them ended up to be registered post instead. Didn't know which cos I didn't get the tracking numbers from either of them OTL... The chest binder apparently was stuck in the poslaju office (all the way at PJ... dupid 2nd delivery HAD to deliver during my lunch hour when I specifically told them NOT to. *****s...) Thankfully my Luka dress is a whole lot nearer~

Begins my journey of claiming both today:
- Went to the post office to claim my Luka dress during lunch hour (DD8 wasted my 1 lunch hour... oh well~)
- Had to PERSONALLY go to PJ to claim my binder. Idiots said they couldn't make a third delivery... *grumbles*
- Road blocked for no apparent reason (It's the ONLY freakin' road I know!!!)
- No choice had to keep going until cari U-turn... But it came to a crossroad, one was leading all the way to Sunway (I know how to get there, but not how to go home)...the other tulis 'Shah Alam/Kepong' (I have no idea where these places are on the map OTL...)
- Not sure what prompt me to do it, but I took the latter road... and it felt like I was straying further away from home... DD8 (was ready to call daddy and scream for help xDD)
- Then remembered daddy saying: "Follow the green signboard. If you can't remember the road names, remember the colour instead. It always takes you somewhere you know xDD"
- Followed the sign that says 'Bdr Sunway' o___o
- Saw a 'Jalan Klang Lama' sign (HOME!!!)
- Gradually... It led to Jalan Templer (poslaju... =3=)
- So, managed to make it in one piece to the poslaju office and got my parcel~ Yayyy~~ ^^

Well, that was one hell of an experience... OTL But I got my parcels~ Camwhore... Bring it on!

 :Image Removed:
Luka Magnet camwhore~

:Image Removed:
Durarara!! - Orihara Izaya (Gender-bend ver.)

Damn... the Izaya comwhore session (yesterday) took me 3 HOURS!!! O.O the make-up, preps and everything included, of course... @@ but maybe it's a better idea to get a wig specifically made instead *shrugs* Oh well~

KHR Fangirl Session/Obsession~ rant...

Gaahz... My random surfing/stalking on Youtube eventually led me to discover the KHR Concert 2009 (also known as Rebocon), which ended with me watching the whole thing. I was glad there were chinese subs (though not my fave subject, not to mention it was overlapped by korean subs OTL), and I thank God for my teeny ability to understand that much Japanese to understand what was going on.

Let's just say it was fairly surprising how many fans there were and the screaming was definitely - LOUD (yes, even minus my own x)) ). The response was obviously heated beyond expectation and the concert itself DID NOT DISAPPOINT! The seiyuus fitted their roles perfectly, though I was a little surprise that Neeko's used the voice in what she used in the anime. Amazing. LOLs at the fanservice and interactions. Poor Colo hardly had a say in anything. As always, -fangirls over my fave- Hidekazu Ichinose-san~! x)) His voice was utterly PERFECT~ I can quote every single one of his lines, and I'm sure after Takashi Kondo-san & Toshinobu Iida-san, he's the next on the list of most favourite characters. With Suguru Inoue-san following closely behind~ (though that may just be my prejudice speaking) Oh to hell with it, I love them ALL!  It was wonderful and it felt like the characters were alive! A MUST watch for a true fan! PS: Not to mention KHR Homeroom, I cried tears of laughter on Neeko's part!! xDD Oh gosh, my stomach hurt x))

That was all for my random fangirl rant. I had to let it out DD8 Oh well, praise Amano Akira-sensei for that epically made mind. She has set the hearts of many young girls a blaze~ and for that, sensei, I whole-heartedly worship/salute you! x))

Recommendation: Vongola Family - Yakusoku no Basho e (The Promised Land)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhGY-Lq2xaU&feature=related

Absolutely lovely~ and now, I shall turn my attention to the latest obsessions taking over! Durarara!! + Hakuoki Shinsengumi Kitan(the cp *shifty eyes at Hika*) + Working! (no, not my job, the anime lol Satou Jun haha! *claims*) x))
Till then, ciao ciao~

PS: Two 'Sorry Note's for delivery failure today wtf? And I thought I paid for EMS!?! Curses! *stalks supplier*

The Last Epic GACC 2010!!!

20/03/2010... Saturday...

My first and last time going to GACC, MMU, Melaka (also my first time going to an ACG event). Took a bus from Sunway College at 9am to Melaka~! RAWR!!! My GAWDS, I can hardly stop my fangirling seeing as this is all so new to me @__@ It was unbelievably exciting (like I said, first time~) stalking the cosplayers around and seeing them prepare and all (I didn't see them change, mind you...)

Downs:

- Location... The hall was kinda small, stuffy and sweaty DD= They had to use this hall because the exam hall was booked for MMU Open Day... It was kind of a last minute thing. Well, it was better to have it that cancel it~ I hate event clashes (Super Junior Concert as well -gasps!-)... But oh well~

- Mishap on the event planning... The Duo Cosplay Competition was moved to Day 2, which, unfortunately, I couldn't attend... T___T (I don't really know the details behind it all, but I was kinda looking forward to it all~)

Ups:

- The awesome cosers and their epic-ness of it all~ (again, first time xDD) I think I'm in love... Oh my...

- The oh so awesome friends as well~ The stalking of it all! =DD A group of fangirls, 5 girls + 1 male xPP

- Fanservice~! LAWL at Anti-Miku Day xDD There was seriously no sign of a single Miku there O.O Quite a surprise on my part considering that there's a Kaito spam there~ *swoons!*

- Location... Ironic, I know xDD But I enjoyed walking in the hallways. Fresh air outside~ ^^

Congratulations to Lulu on your cosplay debut! xDD Though it was kinda last minute, quote XiaoQi: "Hibari in 10 minutes!" Much love to Vanessa for Hibird and the arm band~ ^^

Overall, the day was awesome~! We were still fangirling over the whole thing the next day~ As evidence of how much effect the event had on us, a xxx group has been made dedicated our future xxx! (since it's a secret, imma keep it secret DD=!!!) lawl~ ^^

Best of luck, Silver Balls!!! (Gosh... It still sounds so wrong... and epic at the same time xDD)

Cheers~! ^^

PS: Here's a shout out! Van, I love you dear~! Hope you feel better soon TAT!!!
PPS: Photo spam on facebook~ xPP